> online saviour

... at least for me anyways = finally "found" a free online server to host my videos! go here to view ALL videos please :) thanxxx (~more to cum~)

> a cock looking for balance

/ my sis asked me yesterday over bday dinner = "how does it feel to be 36?" ... my answer = "like that lor" ... and i reckon, it is the state of things and situation right now ... tis as if nothing has changed and yet everything has .../ just some of the few important things in a late-thirties-person's life, i reckon: family, health, love and money/career (in that order please, thank yew) ... :

> flutterin'

/ my hearts aflutterin' and it feels good ... and scary ... ... pluck not thy wings, please ... not so soon? ...i wanna float away in bliss

> the not-so-young and restless

the feeling of restlessness is overwhelming, even more so this hot and humid friday afternoon ... and tis been days since i've put thoughts to a semblence of tangibility (online or otherwise) and a rant is the best i could come up with?heh. buggah that.the week in short:dad's out of surgery and is at home recovering. had a heart's valve replaced and a heart bypass. nasty business. heartwrenching

> uncompleted vignettes (yet again)

as per titled, a coupla uncompleted entries, these past few vaccant blogdays ... and tis something i've been considering; for the direction (or iz that "misdirection"?) of this blog of former woe = why complete the entries, when they've yet to run their entire course? heh ... onwards!... ... ...SPRINGED STEPSwalking the thin hairline between fantasy and reality, i wonder when it be when i fall?

> 2 days hence

have not been online for the past coupla days ... events and situations i will not bother anyone much with (for now) ... but needless to say, tis been eventful ... with quite a few lines written in my wittle notebook, which are mostly not completed ... so thot might as well purge here and now (and get it over and done with, i suppose) ...... ... ...PAIN EDUCATIONa macabre "family outing" filled

> dazed and blissed

a momentary distraction. a quickfix. a sneaky snack. a mere glimpse to what could have been. and a mere glimpse it will remain; it seems ... the bliss had all but gone astray and what's left is an emptiness fills the void once more ... a dull ache; a familiar feeling. it sucks to be mature about it all. it sucks to be "aware" ... and im not "liked" ... "enough" ... i dun wanna think too much

> blissed out

been blissing out on indulgence. and the feeling is both warm with a tinge of hesitation and pure plain candysweet. coupled with moments of self-reflection and earnest happiness, i wallow within the embrace of a warm sunshine smile that'll melt at any given moment. i like this feeling.hope given a new pulsing lease of life, the pitterpatter of the heart given into the fluttering of a beautiful

> hope

hope can be such a double-edged sword.hope for the best, for the future, for one's well-being. hope things'll turn out alright. hope things will change and develop for the better. hope for your loved one's health (my greatest wish now). positive hope.tho hope might even be a fear. an inevitable possible negative ... for sometimes, there seems a glimmer of hope - but you fear it might mislead you

> hello life

attempts at emptying my mind has gone to hades. been trying to clear all emotional attachments, personal demons, financial burdens and creative blockades, to make way for family commitments ... tis time to relinquish all other roles i've held: friend, lover, boss, whatever ... tis time to be a son to my father ... dad's going into heart surgery next week and im ... scared ...... ... ...hardly a

> frozen feets

there i was, zipping around with my art department guys, trying to set-up this mock sci-fi-looking bus stop; a humongus one, with an outdoor canopy somewhat resembling a circus tent ... half an hour more before calltime and the camera crew had started to arrive and unload ... the pressure was intense, the pressure was on ... and with the set developing a semblence of form, i dashed off to prep

> a quick meal of the mind

im a snack. a quick meal.it just dawned on me, that mayhap i am not fit for private or public consumption as of yet ... me life is slightly (to say the least) off-kilter at the mo and can hardly sustain (much less develop) a personal relationship, nor successfully interact with "the public" ... too many demons haunt my wakingdreams and most of them are self-made mirror demons too ... a twisted

> groovin'

do i haveta really get down and boogie, to show how interesting and "happenin" i am?do i haveta down endless alcohol to show how much of a man i am? fuck alla that shitte."keepin' it real" is an oxymoron of reality and just another excuse to invent another persona for yourself.poppin'n'lockin' with missy elliotsalsa shoulder shimmin' with cuban revolution jazzdigital disco beep-boppin' with

> the truth of thy hearts?

1pm. the rain is defeaning. the view outside my window is bathed in a sparse milky white, tints of greeh hues speckle the landscape and the skies are in a dull whitegrey, an empty aged canvas waiting to be painted-on.the warm leftover carlsberg sits by my tableside; a welcomed mind-dulling reprieve the night before, now a dull liquid, bubbles afloat and drifting aimlessly ... and my thoughs

> just another sunday like no other

a peculiar sunday. a sunday haunted by the sundays prior, a phantom veil embracing all and sundry ... and the strange comfortness of the feeling is filtered by the restlessness of memory ... a sunday ago:wakingup with less than six hours of sleep, we were rushing about town sourcing and buying props, a zombie (at least for me) on feets, trudging about with a seeming purpose but for the hastily

> pained

i thought i was smarter. i thought i was stronger. but in the end, i was left foolishly wanting ... a blissful fridaynite/saturday turned exquisite pain; heart gripped tight while pounding to an erratic beat ... her eyes still glistening in the dark, her warmth envelopes me, her embrace melts me, her passion overwhelms me and her voice, her familiar and soothing voice; pierces deeper into my

> blog privacy

i read with great interest and disdain with the issue of blog privacy, an issue floating amidst the www the recent past and present ... and held back my comments ... until now ...the issue is of a blogger, whose entry was tomorrowed and the bruwahaha that ensued. the question of whether tomorrow had the right to link her entry, or anyones', of her asking the entry to be deleted and of blog

> lies

if there's one thing in this whole gawdforsaken world we live in that gets me tits on fire; that i can't abide by: is being lied to. it comes in a close second, after: being accused of saying / doing something i did not. no, i cannot abide by either.and tho tis a scenario that i myself have regretably partaked of times past (no, i have never said i was a holy innocent in alla these - and that

plug me in baby

i so fucking want these for my *cough*upcomingbirthdayin-september*cough* ... and i've been starring at them for a better part of an hour now dammit! ... i knew i wuz deprived of toys and the like, but c'mon! this is a bit too much, innit?like i give a flyin'shitte :pbuy me these. pwease?and i dun fuckin' care if i sound needy or pathetic ... HAH!